it hurts to love you. It’s exhausting, it’s unbearable, and I can’t stop. I was happy with you. The happiest I’ve ever been. And I’m fucking lost now. The more time that passes, the worse it gets. I don’t know what to do without you. Never in my life has somebody made as big of an impact on my life as you have. I have never felt this broken after a breakup. It’s been nearly six months since I’ve seen you, and I still feel like I’m dying inside. I still want you and I to be us. I still want my life with you in it. I fucking love you, and it feels like it’s killing me to do so. And maybe you’re life is wonderful now, maybe you’re happy. But if you still wake up and I’m the first thing on your mind, if you could still be happier with me, I’d really like to be the thing that makes you smile every day. I’d really like the chance to see if fate exists, and that falling in love with you wasn’t just an accident.

you just have to be willing to put the work in to fix things. To make things stronger than they were before. To grow.

Relationships (whether they be intimate or not) will always have rocky times. But the best kinds of relationships, the most rewarding for both sides, are the ones that are willing to grow together. To admit mistakes, and work towards mending old wounds together. If you are too stubborn to not forgive, then good luck ever finding a relationship that will last.

People make mistakes. Some bigger than others, but we’re all human….and none of us know what we’re doing. Nobody has it figured out, and mistakes are all a part of learning, and growing, and getting closer to being the person you want to be, and having the relationship you want to have.

I’ve had falling outs with a few of my friends, and I’ll tell you, the ones who worked with me at fixing our relationship are my closest friends. Because they were willing to admit that they made a mistake, apologized, and have proven to me that they truly were sorry, and have not made the same mistake again. I’m a very stubborn person, but I’m glad that I always see the good in people, and am not too stubborn to give people a second, and sometimes even third chance. Relationships that are perfect never grow. Relationships that have bumps in the road are relationships that give you the chance to grow together, and form an even stronger bond. At least in my experience.

Does every word you say taste like fire? Because thats the way they feel when they are heard. You beg to be left alone, but at the end of the day you feel lonely. In the storybook of us, I will always be the one that loved you the most, and I fantasize you loved me the best you could. I dreamt of fairytale endings, but now find myself down on my knees.

I don’t know what the truth is, but I’m sure if I heard it I would find it to be strange as a language from a far away land.

We were in love.

Now we are strangers.

How did that turn of events happen? I was left out of that loop.

I miss everything. And maybe listening to sad music while I’m alone at night isn’t such a good idea, but it comforts me in a strange way.

I miss my best friend.

Squid and I are going to my moms in Orange County tomorrow, and staying two-three weeks. Which means while I wont have my cell phone, I will have internet access. I quint go as crazy, and I will get to give my resume a makeover and apply online to as many places as I can while I have a computer.

Officially been in LA for six months, and already ready to move away. Maybe I just need to get away from downtown.

I actually was talking to my mom about moving to oregon or seattle… That would be exciting.